“You’re really _______.” (fill in the blank)
Ex. You’re really stupid.
You’re really not that together.
“You really seem to have trouble with _______.”
Ex. You really seem to have trouble with honesty.
Ex. “You are always…”
“Every time. . . “
“Never have a seen. . .”
“We never have sex. . .”(or talk, or date, or
work together, etc.)
This doesn’t work because the
other person is going to think of the one time they didn’t
and then discount what you have to say. “Attacking
Character” and “Attacking Personhood” are also over
Ex. “You tend to. . .”
“I have noticed that. . . some times. . .”
“More often than not. . .”
(use when you really want to emphasize
that is a lot of the time)
“Usually, . . .
This occurs when we feel the need to correct, instruct,
educate, persuade to one’s way of thinking, or just plan
being codependent. This place is not really a place of
humility, but of pride. It usually occurs when we have an
over inflated sense of self and that our reality is more
accurate than the other person’s. In addition, we believe
that without our help they won’t get it.
What happens, the person gets defensive and appears not to
“You didn’t like that did you.”
“You really are angry.”
This implies humility and that I don’t know everything. I
ask questions, because I don’t know and that I want to
know. I am curious. Of course, questions can be used in a
“controlling way.” Thus, it is important to use appropriate
tone of voice. Putting things in the form of a question
softens the comment. Notice the difference.
Ex. “I think you are mad at me.”
“Are you mad at me.”
Ex. “I am wondering, what’s going on for you in that
“What is that like for you.”
“What am I doing that is causing you this much anger?”
“What can I do to make this better?”
“Obviously, I am not understanding what you are saying,
could you say that again?”
“You have thrown a lot at me, what is it specifically
that you want me to do?”